It is my firmest conviction that feelings left to fester inside will devour the soul. In that spirit, I suppose it is time for disentanglement. Pulling the string, to free the burden tightly woven within, is the best and the worst feeling. However, it is the price for peace of mind. So here goes….
Solemn aloneness is the biggest fear I have ever had. It visited me as a child of a mad drunk woman. It spent years festering after my father died. It makes guest appearances here and there. Each time the sting seems more harsh than the last time, but really it might just be my skin is so thin that I perceive the pain more intensely. I don’t know.
The old adage about only being able to depend on yourself. Tis true. God will make sure this lesson is learned. If it isn’t done with ease, it will be done harshly. In a word, if I don’t walk away from people, he will facilitate them walking away from me. This is hard to swallow as the co-dependent, needy person that I am. This is my cross to bear.
This past week or so, an old bandage has been partially stripped. Throughout my life there have been but a few that I have absconded my ego for to allow them to see the fullness of my susceptibility to sins and ills that is uncloaked and defined in full. Two outside my husband.
One of them was someone that I grew up with. Jenn has always been my soul sister. She and I knew each other from about the age of 14-15. Misfits that connected in a convergence of time. I did not see the depth of the friendship or ever understand that her significance would be so broad in my life. Stupid kids. In a world where nothing seems solid, we trampled through the shit oblivious to all the madness that was always around us. Blissfully unaware. 2 pieces of a puzzle is the only way I ever think of us
. Life and pettiness drove a wedge between us that seemed unsurmountable. Then years down the line I would contact her out a longing for that symbiotic relationship that had merely been paused for a moment. Over the years, I began to realize that I am the only one with this perception of “us”. I’m not sure what Jenn’s view of “us” was but in the last few years I have reached out to an emptiness. A depreciated version of the old friendship was a shadow of a deep love. But was it ever that sisterly love that I had believed it was? Had I put more on this relationship than was ever real?
So last week, after seeing her name in “people you may know” on Facebook. Many emails and extensions of the olive branch had been unanswered. I took a deep breath. I sent the friend request, wondering how needy I must appear. I messaged her and told her it was up to her or God. She accepted the request but no extension of anything else. Am I over- stepping? I have always been the one who sought her. Was I that pathetic that I always had to find her? She never needed to find me.
This is every failed relationship I ever had. My brother, my cousins. It is me who is entangled in them. Never them entangled in me.
So wait for her, is what I will do…..
I’m sorry Jimmy Lee. I’ve never been very good at friendships. Never. Yours was the first and the last one I ever really invested myself in, and that was long ago. Now I have little ones and no time to dwell on my lack of interest in forming bonds. My children consume my heart and soul. (Until they outgrow me and the need of my love.)
I harbor no ill will towards you at all…and honestly, I can’t even remember a time when I did. I just can’t give you what you want.
I’m an infrequent writer with no use for talking on the phone. I don’t remember alot of our time together unfortunately…..which is sad, but I can’t control that.
Basically if you don’t expect too much of me, then you won’t be disappointed.
I had no idea my absence meant that much to you and for that I am truly sorry. I would never intentionally inflict pain upon you. Please know that.
As I said…I’m just not good at friendships.
I would like to stay in touch Jimmie. If we can do it without pressure or expectations.